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Senotonom205
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Name: Zac
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Birthday: 10/17/1985
Gender: Male
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/21/2003
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| I havent posted on here in years but I feel like this is the only way that I can honestly say all the things I want to say and allow people to actually read them. I hate Xanga, I think its stupid that the only way I can describe my feelings is by putting them on a blog and allow people to read them. I wish I could sit down with all of the people that this needs to be said to, but I guess I have no other choice. Now before I say what im about to say, let me preface this with a few things. I am Zac Cockerhan, I am who I am and there are many people who dont like me regardless of what I do. I cant change that and im not going to try and do that, Im simply going to be the best Zac Cockerhan I can. I am not doing this for the wrong reasons either, some people that know my current situation may thing I am saying what im saying simply to fix what is wrong in my life. Part of that is true but the most truthful thing I can say is that im doing this because I need to. Its something I should have done a long time ago but I have been way too prideful and stupid to actually do it. Now without any other warnings or prefaces, here it is.
I am sorry, I am sorry that I have been one of the worst persons that most of you probably know. I am sorry that I have spent much of my 5 years at Rochester College verbally breaking people down, Talking down to people, Going out of my way to prove how much of a better person I am than others. Im sorry that I have betrayed my friends trust. Im sorry that I talked so much of my beliefs and my faith and yet acted in a completely opposite way. I am sorry to everyone that I wasted away a life that could ahve been used for so many good things. I had everything in front of me when I first came to Rochester college. I was involved in so many things. I had so many chances to use all the talents that I had to speak about how Christ has affected my life and how all I want to do is live like he did. Im sorry that I have hurt so many people with my actions. I am sorry that I have been short tempered, have been arrogant, cocky, standoffish and unwelcoming. Im sorry that I have taken advantage of people and have used so many people for my own personal gain. I am sorry that I have led people to put their faith in me and yet I continued to let people down over and over again to the point that you had no other choice but to tune me out completely. For all of these things and the things that I cannot appropriately articulate, I am sorry.
While all of these things seem nice and maybe most will just think that im doing this because someone told me that I have to try and be a better person let me assure you that I am doing this by my own accord. From here on out I am going to try my hardest to be a better person. From here on out I am going to use the gifts that God has given me to better futher his name and the glory of his kingdom. I am going to try to show my love to all people. I will no longer sit around and make people feel like crap by the things that I say but instead im going to try and build people up with praise and assurance no matter what the situation. There is no one that I hate, there are very few people that I can say that I truly do not like. I am going to pray for people, I am going to ask people how they are doing, I am going to go out of my way to show Christ in the way I act.
Now I have a request from all that read this. I need numerous favors from you. I need you to pray for me, Remember me in those prayers. Even if you couldn't care less whether or not I become a better person I ust pray that you remember me and remember my struggles. I would also ask that if you care about me, Ask me how my life is going. Ask me how my day is going, inquire about me because then I will know that people love me and care for me. My last request is that if you do care about any of this, that you will hold me accountable for my actions. I pray that if you see me doing any of these things you will stop me, You will put me down in whatever way you can, whether that means that you need to hit me, or make an example of me in front of the entire school then fine. Please I need this, I need support. I know this might be a little late, I only have a semester left at Rochester College and I will be honest, I kind of feel like this is a little too late to really do anything but I dont care. I need to do it anyway because if I dont I can never become the person I know that I am suposed to be. I love you all, I truly do because I know that in each and every person that reads this and actually takes the things I say to heart has the same love for Christ that I do. Please keep me in your prayers because this last week or so has been the hardest week of my life and Im not sure how I am going to get through it, but I know I can and I know that with the support of alot of my friend I will be able to do it. Again, I love you all, I love you all for who you are. God Bless you.
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| I havent really posted anything in a long time, But i just kind of need something to vent to without having it talk back you know, Even though im sure alot of people will read this and that takes the whole not talking back thing out of it but you know. Lately things have just come to a screeching halt for me. Academically, Socially, Spiritually Everything and it all really revolves around the Same Issue. I Have gotten myself into something I have never experienced before. Im sure Many of the people that know me realize that in the past year I have gotten myself hurt pretty bad, Pretty much the most hurt I have ever been. I hate being the Emotional, Depressed kid So I have always done my best to hide it, But im finally to a point where I have let it build up so much that its all blowing up in my face at the same time. For so long I convinced myself that the reason I have been so hurt is my fault. I put all the stupid things between me and one person on my shoulders, When in reality very little was my fault and what was my fault I took blame for right away. The pathetic thing is for the past year I have been begging this same person for chance after chance, Just to make things alright, When in actuality she should have been the one begging me. I finally let it all out and just threw it all on the table. It sucks so much because Im so lost right now, Where do I go. I have considered so many things tonight. I know being here has just made me unhappy. I mean I can honestly say some of the decsions i regret the most in my life have been made in the past 2 and half years. I cant even remember the last time i was completely happy. I dont know, Maybe God planned for me to be unhappy like this to test me and im just failing miserably. I mean No one said things were gonna be fair and i understand that, but I mean its just all on my shoulders now. Part of me thinks i need to just take a break from school, Maybe work for a semester and stay at home and find myself. Thats so cliche but I just dont know. Maybe I should just commute for a Semester or something, Because being on campus has just made me so Jaded. I dont know, Im not making any decisions tonight because im pretty Irrational right now but I just dont know what to do. I dont even know who to turn to anymore thats the hardest part. I know God is probably the answer but God cant talk to me in the here and now. I think God puts people on earth to fill that Role because Going to God isnt the easiest answer for everyone. Im just confused as to who is my friend now a days. I really dont know, All i know is in a few days this semester is gonna end and im gonna take a very long time over break to think about everything and try to fix whatever I need to fix. Its just really easy to always say its my fault cause I can fix myself, But when its really not my fault this time and I cant just fix it. I dont know what im gonna do I really dont... | | |
| Well i have had Xanga for 666 days so with that i should post, Not much to say, Lately i have found myself alot more involved in news and politics and such. Some things are rediculous and if you really wanna know what im talking about check out my Blog its more political and if your not into that dont read it. http://www.temporaryphilosophy.blogspot.com/ just some observations i have noticed lately and things On my mind
So besides that i have just been thinking about stuff from last year and realized how i wasted an entire year on stupidity and everything i thought i cared about im just done with. I still feel the way i did but im not letting myself get tied up in it. Im not gonna let anything ruin and entire year of my life ever again. You know a Year of your life is actually alot and to waste an entire year on something that in the long run will mean nothing, its just not a great thing to do. So im to a point where im saying I dont care. Everything still haunts me but I just dont care anymore because i cant. So yeah i said all that to make the point that things are better actually, never would have guessed huh?
If you havent read the new harry potter and hope to dont. Its horrible, in the end you will be so unhappy you read it. I hate JK rowling right now and she better do something amazing with the 7th book or i will burn my harry potter books. | | |
| No Part of the London Terrorist Attacks is humorous. What is though is while Tony Blair made a statement the entire G8 delegation were forced to stand behind him in two perfect rows, And the best part is what two leaders would be right behind him in the picture??? Oh yes George W Bush and Jaques Chirac. Does anyone besides me find that slightly amusing? I also find it slightly admirable how much better i feel that London is handling thier terrorist attacks than the United States did. I feel that it may be because they unfortunatly have expierienced attacks before, But it just seems that they are much more collected than Americans were. I found it amusing that Fox News claimed that the Brittish were just like Americans, Strong people who remained Calm in times like this. I seem to remember mass panic and backlash after September 11th.... I hate Fox News.....Lets just hope that the Brittish do not Commercialize this attack. If I see a hat with the brittish flag and 7/7 in front of it, I may scream...
Edit-Does the War on Terror include Scary movies? those are pretty Terrifying sometimes? | | |
| Well.... I dont work at MCYC any longer so if you want to hang out this summer im pretty wide open.... Please dont come begging me to tell you why i quit its not something i really want to talk about | | |
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